I cant seem to understand the thought process of his mind. Does he think its okay to tell me he wants to see me, and wants to come out today, and then blows me off for his friends? Yeah. I'm thinking not. I'm thinking I'm just simply not as important as he say's I was. Am I being selfish? I'm sure it is a bit selfish, I am only thinking of myself here. He is the sick one, he is the one who is in pain. But he is also the one who said he was coming here. And he is also the one who blew me off. Several times today. I don't get it.
I might have said something really stupid to him. I might have just cost my entire relationship with him. But I had to say it, I needed to get what I was feeling off my chest. When I talk to him, he acts like its a big joke, like a freaking game.
What I said to him (in a text of course):
Do you have any idea how it feels for someone to tell you they care about you, say they want to see you and the reason they aren't is cause they don't feel well. And then to find out they are chillin with their friends instead? And its just a big fucking joke to them? Hurts a lot. I don't like it. Not one bit. And it seems like its just a game to you right now. So as I said before, when you actually want to see me, contact me. Cause I cant afford to be broken anymore.
Maybe that was a bit rash. But it needed to be said. He needs to know I feel like I'm a game right now, a toy if you will that he likes to see and play with once or twice every few weeks. I'm not a toy or a game or a convenience. I'm a human, and his girlfriend and I shall be treated as such. Its bull shit that I'm not and I don't have to take it.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thus far I am confused.
I know well enough to leave well enough alone. I have learned in my days that it is smartest to leave it alone and not poke the bear. Well, sometimes you gotta just poke it see what it does right? Uh, no. You know what will happen. It will always roar and bite you. You will ALWAYS get bitten. Why poke the bear? Because we, humans in general, are not smart enough to just leave well enough alone.....................................
Sunday, Feb 8, 2009 my boy friend, Philip, was admitted into the hospital. He has stomach cancer, and was coughing up blood, as well as.. well, that is not important. They cotterized the ruptured vein, I believe, and will have to have surgery soon. The Dr said he doesn't think he will make it much longer. The last 2 sentences are all second hand information I have received from Philips brother Michael. I appricate that he told me what he did, but wish he would tell me what hospital Philip is at. I know he would want me to be there with him.
Micheal, who I have noticed from talking with him for the past few hours, has a bit of anger and bitterness towards Philip. Sad really, his brother is laying in a hospital bed and he could only sit there and bash Phil. Makes me sad. He was asking me a crap load of questions about Phil, and his money, and if he had adopted Marcus, because Marcus has called Philip dad, and they saw that in a text. Marcus thought I should know that Philip is his daddy too. He has 2 daddys. Philip and Joe. He was asking if Phil and I got married. I wish, because then I could tell him to fuck off and be there anyways. He started asking me about all sorts of crap.
He wanted to know if I knew about things Phil has done in the past. Yes. I know. Phil told me. He hasnt lied to me about his past. He knew I'd find out some way or another. So why lie? If he didnt want me to know, he wouldn't have told me. If he was hiding something, why would he have told me? I'm not as naive as they think I am. I'm smart, I know how to put 2 and 2 together, it really does make 4 ya know. You cant cram 2 and 3 together to squeeze a 4 in. You cant stretch a 1 and 2 out to make 4 either. Things have added up, 99% of everything has added up.
I have a couple questions for him. But they can remain unanswered until he is well. I'm not going to pester him about that shit while he is ill. Pointless. No reason for it at all.
I'm told he is going home Tuesday. His mother and step father are supposed to be calling me in the morning and coming out and talking to me. I'm a little freaked out about it. But I'm a big girl, I can handle it. They need to speak to me about Philip. ?? Little confused. Little is putting it mildly.
I have a lot more to say, my mind is filled with words bouncing back and forth. But it is 1:20am and my beautiful son will be up early. So off to bed I go.
I only ask that you pray for Philip to be healthy, not in pain, and to live a long life. Much longer than what he has already lived.
Thank you.
Sunday, Feb 8, 2009 my boy friend, Philip, was admitted into the hospital. He has stomach cancer, and was coughing up blood, as well as.. well, that is not important. They cotterized the ruptured vein, I believe, and will have to have surgery soon. The Dr said he doesn't think he will make it much longer. The last 2 sentences are all second hand information I have received from Philips brother Michael. I appricate that he told me what he did, but wish he would tell me what hospital Philip is at. I know he would want me to be there with him.
Micheal, who I have noticed from talking with him for the past few hours, has a bit of anger and bitterness towards Philip. Sad really, his brother is laying in a hospital bed and he could only sit there and bash Phil. Makes me sad. He was asking me a crap load of questions about Phil, and his money, and if he had adopted Marcus, because Marcus has called Philip dad, and they saw that in a text. Marcus thought I should know that Philip is his daddy too. He has 2 daddys. Philip and Joe. He was asking if Phil and I got married. I wish, because then I could tell him to fuck off and be there anyways. He started asking me about all sorts of crap.
He wanted to know if I knew about things Phil has done in the past. Yes. I know. Phil told me. He hasnt lied to me about his past. He knew I'd find out some way or another. So why lie? If he didnt want me to know, he wouldn't have told me. If he was hiding something, why would he have told me? I'm not as naive as they think I am. I'm smart, I know how to put 2 and 2 together, it really does make 4 ya know. You cant cram 2 and 3 together to squeeze a 4 in. You cant stretch a 1 and 2 out to make 4 either. Things have added up, 99% of everything has added up.
I have a couple questions for him. But they can remain unanswered until he is well. I'm not going to pester him about that shit while he is ill. Pointless. No reason for it at all.
I'm told he is going home Tuesday. His mother and step father are supposed to be calling me in the morning and coming out and talking to me. I'm a little freaked out about it. But I'm a big girl, I can handle it. They need to speak to me about Philip. ?? Little confused. Little is putting it mildly.
I have a lot more to say, my mind is filled with words bouncing back and forth. But it is 1:20am and my beautiful son will be up early. So off to bed I go.
I only ask that you pray for Philip to be healthy, not in pain, and to live a long life. Much longer than what he has already lived.
Thank you.
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